I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
