I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize
