what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How does one acquire holy water?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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