I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
