My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
