Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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