it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
