Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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