The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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