mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
