if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
