Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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