meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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