I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
