The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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