my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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