oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
