i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
