Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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