My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I could make wine with my vomit
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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