My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Someone signed my nipple.
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