it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
