There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
