I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
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This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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