you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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