so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
