No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
