I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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