What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
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Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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