it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
