I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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