that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
