The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
