Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
