May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize