remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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