i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
