My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
