I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
