Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
