evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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