Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
