Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
