I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
