Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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