Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
