It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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