he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
