I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
