Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
