i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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