just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
