I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
