Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
