Redeem this text for a blowjob
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
