my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
