It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
