just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Found your dick twin last night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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