i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
