She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
